Thursday, August 26, 2004

And it's Thursday

Well, yesterday we had to get a new water pump for our well and now our water is very dirty looking for a few days. But, at least we have water now.

Today, I am going to clean house, take a shower and go and get my hair cut. Sometimes it feels like if I don't tell myself over and over the things I need to do, they just never get done.
My house has gotten away from me. Totally. I feel depressed and do not know, am I depressed because my house has gotten away from me, and everything else really too, or have all these things happened because I am depressed.

I am a perfect con artist and nobody else knows I am depressed. When I am around anybody I pretend all is well with me. But inside, that is another story. Do they all wonder what happened to the mom/wife who used to keep the house clean and remember to make meals?

Am I depressed because I spend too much time on the computer, or do I spend too much time on the computer because I am depressed and it is an escape?

I said in the beginning that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. That is true. I am almost 52 years old and I don't have a clue who I am. I am so easily led by what others want or what they think. I feel as if I have never learned to think on my own. Or to feel that my opinion has any value, if I do think on my own. Sometimes I wonder if there are other people like me out there. Are we this way because of being middle children? Or because our thinking processes never developed properly? What is our problem.

Sometimes, I have gone so far as to dream dreams, but then something gets in the way, or somebody else gets in the way. Oh well, no more dream. Should it be so easy to let your dreams go? And when you let them go, does part of you go with them? Do you start to shut down and quit dreaming. Are dreams bad anyway?

Well, I am effectively keeping myself from reaching my goals for today, so I had better get off of here and get on the ball. Hubby will come home to a dirty house and my hair will not get cut. I
like this spot and hope nobody minds that I say how I truly feel here. Maybe somebody else feels this way or has felt this way and can help me snap out of it.

Here I go. I am thinking about not posting this, because people I don't even know may judge me and find me lacking. Do we have to be happy all of the time?

Okay, I am really going to post this.

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